Legal Code (1)

I have touched on the law's propensity to jargon. Much more important is code, in which practitioners know exactly what is meant, while the poor sods in the dock and the public gallery haven't a clue what's going on. Here's a taster: there will be more later.

"M'learned Friend" = The incompetent fool standing next to me.

"If Your Worship Pleases" = I am a proper barrister and I don't want you to confuse me with those oiks over there who should be back in their office writing wills or whatever it is they do.

"As you and your colleagues will of course be aware, Sir" = You silly old fools wouldn't know a legal argument if it crawled up your arse, so here's the law rendered fit for Daily Mail readers.

"My instructions are, Sir" = I hope you realise that I don't believe this crap either.

"It is my hope that the Crown might feel able to take a certain course of action" = Are you going to drop it, or do I have to go through the process of getting it thrown out? If I do, I'm going to rub your nose in it.

"I am of course, mindful of the pressures on Court time" = I am seeing that delicious little Cambridge graduate who has applied for a pupillage at 6.30 in a pub in Chancery Lane. I want out of here, and I want it in the next five minutes.

"We are anxious to conclude matters today, Sir. My client is privately funding this case" = it was all that my clerk could do to screw five hundred quid out of this tosser. Please don't make me come back for a second day, because I think he has run out of money.

"I am grateful Sir" = I am not grateful. I am furious.

"I am grateful for the guidance from the learned clerk" = Bitch