The Magistrate's Blog (2005-2012)

This blog has migrated to www.magistratesblog.blogspot.co.uk This blog is anonymous, and Bystander's views are his and his alone. Where his views differ from the letter of the law, he will enforce the letter of the law because that is what he has sworn to do. If you think that you can identify a particular case from one of the posts you are wrong. Enough facts are changed to preserve the truth of the tale but to disguise its exact source.

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Location: Near London, United Kingdom

The blog is written by a retired JP, with over 30 years' experience on the Bench.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Apocrypha (4)

At the end of a long day we had finished our list, and we were asked to clear up a few cases from another courtroom that had not been able to get on so quickly. These cases are usually straightforward, but I was jerked out of my late-afternoon torpor when the Clerk announced: "This case Sir, concerns the theft of a fishpond".

The defendants were three solid local citizens who had fallen victim to the demon drink. Reeling home from the pub they had passed the garden centre where a plastic fishpond was displayed against the fence. They took it.

The spokesman looked contrite, and they pleaded guilty in short order. "Well, what do you want to tell us about this then?" asked the chairman.

"Well, Sir, we are very sorry, and we feel well stupid. We've all missed a day's work and we are really sorry".

"So what happened then?" from the chairman.

"Well, we was drunk, and we see this fishpond, so we just took it wiv us"


"That's the stupid thing. I was wearing it on me 'ead, see".

(Spluttering noises from yours truly, covered by hasty blowing of nose)

I was about to recover my composure when his expression became even more hangdog, and he mournfully declared:- "The most stupid fing is that I ain't got a garden. I live in a flat".

Fifty pounds apiece was the way we saw things, and I was very relieved to get off that bench.