More Code

These coded phrases, which I have accompanied with translations, will be uttered in a court near you next week, in all probability, and for many weeks to come:-

“I would be grateful if the Bench would agree to retire for a short while, as there are representations that I would like to make the Crown. I may then be in a position to shorten matters”. = I first met the client ten minutes ago. The brief that was biked over from Chambers last night gave me no real feel for the case, but I can now see that he’s a goner. If I can get the CPS to ease off on a couple of details, I’ll get my man to put his hands up and take a bit of credit for a late plea.

“Unfortunately, on this occasion, my client let his frustration get the better of him” = He is a violent thug.

“My client is eager to put his life in order, and has a job to start on Monday” = He last worked in 2001 for four days, overslept, and never went back.

“I never got no letter from the court and nobody phoned me.” = I threw my bail sheet in the bin after the last hearing.

“I only bought the car that day” = I have been driving untaxed and uninsured for six months.

“I found the credit card in the street” = I stole it

“I found the car unlocked and with the keys in the ignition” = I stole it

“I paid for the bag of carrots, but I absent-mindedly put the whisky in my other bag” = I stole it.

“The drugs were for my personal use” = I like to keep forty wraps on me in case my brother steals them from my bedroom. The scales? I’m looking after them for a friend.

“I thought my ban had expired” = It was raining. I don’t walk anywhere in the rain.

“My client is willing to comply with any bail conditions that the bench sees fit to apply” = unlike on the four previous occasions when he was bailed.

“I saw that the window had been broken so I went into the house to see that everything was all right. That’s when I must have dropped my cigarette end” = Bloody DNA!

But however many times you have heard it before, you give each one careful consideration, and never ever dismiss it out of hand - once in a while it may just turn out to be true