The Magistrate's Blog (2005-2012)

This blog has migrated to www.magistratesblog.blogspot.co.uk This blog is anonymous, and Bystander's views are his and his alone. Where his views differ from the letter of the law, he will enforce the letter of the law because that is what he has sworn to do. If you think that you can identify a particular case from one of the posts you are wrong. Enough facts are changed to preserve the truth of the tale but to disguise its exact source.

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Location: Near London, United Kingdom

The blog is written by a retired JP, with over 30 years' experience on the Bench.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

More Code

These coded phrases, which I have accompanied with translations, will be uttered in a court near you next week, in all probability, and for many weeks to come:-

“I would be grateful if the Bench would agree to retire for a short while, as there are representations that I would like to make the Crown. I may then be in a position to shorten matters”. = I first met the client ten minutes ago. The brief that was biked over from Chambers last night gave me no real feel for the case, but I can now see that he’s a goner. If I can get the CPS to ease off on a couple of details, I’ll get my man to put his hands up and take a bit of credit for a late plea.

“Unfortunately, on this occasion, my client let his frustration get the better of him” = He is a violent thug.

“My client is eager to put his life in order, and has a job to start on Monday” = He last worked in 2001 for four days, overslept, and never went back.

“I never got no letter from the court and nobody phoned me.” = I threw my bail sheet in the bin after the last hearing.

“I only bought the car that day” = I have been driving untaxed and uninsured for six months.

“I found the credit card in the street” = I stole it

“I found the car unlocked and with the keys in the ignition” = I stole it

“I paid for the bag of carrots, but I absent-mindedly put the whisky in my other bag” = I stole it.

“The drugs were for my personal use” = I like to keep forty wraps on me in case my brother steals them from my bedroom. The scales? I’m looking after them for a friend.

“I thought my ban had expired” = It was raining. I don’t walk anywhere in the rain.

“My client is willing to comply with any bail conditions that the bench sees fit to apply” = unlike on the four previous occasions when he was bailed.

“I saw that the window had been broken so I went into the house to see that everything was all right. That’s when I must have dropped my cigarette end” = Bloody DNA!

But however many times you have heard it before, you give each one careful consideration, and never ever dismiss it out of hand - once in a while it may just turn out to be true